In his most intimate post yet, Ben Collins reveals his most personal experience of coming to terms with being gay and learning to accept and embrace his sexualityBefore you read on... This entry is a long one, I won't lie and whilst I have broken it in to parts for those who wish to read it in stages, I feel it reads best when read in both order and succession. So please, before reading on, put the kettle on and make yourself comfortable.
PART 1: Ben, The Homophobe
I am always reminded when speaking with other gay men of
just how lucky I am, for it seems unlike many of them, I have yet to ever
experience any real form of homophobia. However, whilst I have never
experienced any hatred from an external source, I have for a very long time had
an internal battle which at times I think can be just as painful.
What has always struck me though is how many of the people I
have come out to have little, if no idea of what this is like. I guess though
if you consider yourself straight you never need think about it, but for me at
least, the process of accepting my sexuality and coming to terms with it was
and still is an ongoing journey.
Coming to terms with your sexuality and coming out is far more complicated than I think many people give credit
For me, it started when I was just 12 and whilst many things
were unclear at that time, I knew from the outset of puberty that I wasn't like
the other boys. Whilst initially it was unclear what this thing was that was making
me different, it would take just a year or so for me to begin to figure it out.
So a year later and having discovered this feeling I might
be attracted to people of the same sex, the battle began. For at 13, when all you want do is be normal, the thought of being gay, was for me at least a horrible one. I
mean, whilst I was never taught that being gay was bad, it only ever held for me negative
connotations.
Whilst kids in the playground don’t use the term “gay” in the literal homophobic sense, it does without doubt bring a negative connotation
Making this all the more worse was the isolation. You see, where
other boys could talk openly and frequently about how their desires were
growing and manifesting, I was left confused with what seemed to be a much more
perplexing problem at hand.
And that was that. It remained this way until after years of
doubt and denial I finally acknowledged that I was gay, though at just 17 I was
still a far way off from true acceptance. Why? Well, this I guess is where that
ongoing battle stems from. You see, if I had been given the choice, I would have chosen to be straight -
no doubt about it. I love women, I want to have children and that traditional
family image we have instilled in us as a child resonates with me more deeply
than I think I can put in to words. The problem at hand though is that I can’t
help but fancy men and the idea of becoming intimate with a woman is nothing
short of repulsive.
If I had been given the choice, I would be straight
It is a problem that at the age of just thirteen or fourteen is a difficult for one to try and understand, let alone share with others. I'm telling you, growing up with this
is not easy and many people seem oblivious to the fact boys and girls
everywhere feel they have no choice but to spend years dealing with this in a
very isolated and lonely place.
So this feeling of near self-loathing continued for many years. In fact, the denial that developed as a result led me for a long time trying
to convince myself “it was just a phase” and trying to promote this I even found
myself having a couple of girlfriends.
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| I have fallen in love with palm trees in California |
At first it was slow and I was very selective about who I
told. For me at least, what made coming out so important was that it was like
me giving up on the hope of being
straight and as such marked the beginning of me accepting who I really was.
Gradually though, as I began building confidence with my sexuality, I over the
next five years became much more open with others until at last, after
everybody else, I finally told my Dad.
Coming out to my Dad was I think, like for a lot of gay men, the person I feared telling most. Knowing I am the first and only son and the only male in the family able to carry forward the Collins name, I knew whatever the outcome there would be a degree of disappointment.
But for me, a name is just a name and whilst this certain disappointment was not something to happy about, it was nothing in comparison to the fear of perhaps a wider rejection that I felt as being a real possibility. So considering all this for many years, I knew that I could only tell him once I was 100% sure and truly beyond any doubt. As such, when I did eventually come out to my Dad I felt as if I had in just a few short words made a giant leap forward.
Coming out to my Dad was I think, like for a lot of gay men, the person I feared telling most. Knowing I am the first and only son and the only male in the family able to carry forward the Collins name, I knew whatever the outcome there would be a degree of disappointment.
But for me, a name is just a name and whilst this certain disappointment was not something to happy about, it was nothing in comparison to the fear of perhaps a wider rejection that I felt as being a real possibility. So considering all this for many years, I knew that I could only tell him once I was 100% sure and truly beyond any doubt. As such, when I did eventually come out to my Dad I felt as if I had in just a few short words made a giant leap forward.
So putting my feelings to one side for a minute I have been,
I now realise, very lucky. For whilst the process of coming out has no doubt
been a long and difficult one, I have unlike many others come out relatively
unscathed. I have lost no friends, no family members and I have never felt like
I am seen any differently for being gay.
I have lost no friends, no family members and I have never felt like I am seen any differently for being gay
As such, when I come to hear of the problems that other
teens and men have had in coming out I feel very sad. Realising how difficult
it can be, even when people are supportive, I cannot begin to imagine what it
must be like to build up the confidence to come out to your loved ones only to
be told you are worth nothing, have let them down and should feel ashamed. It
must I am sure be awful.
So at 22 and I am firmly out of the closet but still far
from feeling good about it. You see, I still want the wife, the kids and the
2-up-2-down, I just know for sure it ain’t ever gonna happen.
"You can adopt though,
right?" Yes, I realise this, but I want to have at least one mini-Ben and
maybe too a little Benjamima (the names are perhaps still up for debate). In
fact, I would like lots of children… perhaps a couple of my own and then in
addition I would like to either foster or adopt two or three more. But then this
opens up another can of worms because raising children is not something I see
myself doing alone."Well you’ll meet someone." That’s what people say but I don’t believe it. I mean I know that statistically the chances work rather well in my favour but at nearly 25 I am still yet to fall in love or for that matter even have a proper relationship. And yes, whilst I am in no rush, certainly at the moment at least, I have yet to have any indication that things will work out. I realise many people will think this is ridiculous and I don't know how else to describe it - I just don't see it happening.
You see, I have met plenty of men who I have a great
emotional relationship with, they’re just never gay and likewise on the flip I
have had my fair share of sexual experiences but nearly never with somebody I
feel there the potential for a lasting emotional connection to perhaps develop
a relationship.
Then as if things aren’t already complicated enough, I have at
home especially, been very disliking of the LGBT community. Obviously completely
unfounded and based entirely on my own insecurities, I have come to really dislike the
flamboyant and colourful nature of this community and have often likened myself
to a homophobic homosexual. After all, I am gay because I fancy men… not men
that act like girls.
A self-declared homophobic homosexual, relationships are not my forte
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| The Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco |
Part 2: Joey
So reaching the tender age of 24 this year I felt like I
still have a serious problem. There is now clearly no doubt in my mind that I
am gay, but whilst I am technically ‘out of the closet’ I am still a very long
way from reaching that place I hope to one day reach.
So in the spirit of what this ‘revolution’ is all about I
set one of my travel objectives to be for me to explore gay culture abroad. In
context to this post however, I was specifically reminding myself that this trip
can aid me along the way to what I hope will one day be that full acceptance
and eventual pride of who I am.
And in fact, I didn't wait very long to begin, for my very first
host was in fact gay. Clearly a very grounded, down to earth and successful
man, I purposefully chose him because I don’t feel at home I have met enough gay
positive role models.
So that first night was a real eye opener and just as I had
hoped, Joey seemed like any other decent guy – he just so happened to be gay. Anyway,
after showing me around his art studio and talking at length about his travels
and experiences he took me along to a couple of local gay bars to meet some of
his friends and share a few beers.
The first bar was very normal. There was nothing that stood out as being particularly different, perhaps only that the barman wore 75% less clothing than one might expect for the time of year.
The second bar however… now that was different. Unlike any
bar I have been in to before there was a notable absence of nearly any
light, giving the place an instant seediness which made me in part feel
nervous, part intrigued. Then, at the back of the bar there was “the back room” which sparing you the details confirmed this place was just as seedy as I had
first felt. Most entertaining though was what was on TV.
So just like any other regular
bar, the walls were plastered with flatscreen TVs, though unlike what you might expect, these didn't feature neither sports nor music. Oh no. Instead, each screen had
on show a different hardcore gay porno.
Now I don’t know
about you but I found this just a teeny bit distracting. For whilst Joey introduced
me to his friends, who again like him seemed perfectly normal, I was doing my
best to keep a straight face. You see, as I was stood there talking to this guy
about having just arrived from England, I had in plain sight behind him some guy in his early twenties getting his back doors
blown in by some 6 foot Goliath. I won’t lie, it was weird. I mean is this social etiquette really deemed acceptable? Apparently so.
PART 3: Doug
So why am I writing all this? Well I can imagine that if you are one of my regular readers you will have no doubt by have now noticed that this post is much more personal than perhaps I have written to date. Well the answer is simple - Doug.
Now you might remember just a couple of months ago I was a few thousand kilometres north back on Vancouver Island and with the third of my Victoria-based families I found myself in the home of Marilene, Doug and Selina. Anyway, half way through my stay with them I ended up on a drunken night out with Doug that besides other things would lead to the worst hangover I have had in years.
Now you might remember just a couple of months ago I was a few thousand kilometres north back on Vancouver Island and with the third of my Victoria-based families I found myself in the home of Marilene, Doug and Selina. Anyway, half way through my stay with them I ended up on a drunken night out with Doug that besides other things would lead to the worst hangover I have had in years.
Anyway, mid-way through the night, Doug looks up over his
pint and without warning says “so I hope you don’t mind me asking, but…”
I cut him off immediately and just said it - “Yes, I’m gay.”
He had obviously known the answer before asking but it started off a rather
interesting conversation. Slightly confused, he started by asking me why I hadn't said anything
to them before about being gay.
“Yes, I'm gay”
And it was a damn good question. I hadn't before then given
it much thought but I had now stayed with these three great families and
despite supposedly being ‘out’ and now considering them all good friends, I had
obviously chosen not to reveal that I was gay. But why?
Well caught off guard I think I said something on the lines of
that “I never felt like I had the right opportunity” but I think he realised as I
much as I did this was bollocks. It wasn't that there wasn't an opportunity; it
was that I didn't want to say something. It got me thinking… perhaps then I am
not as out and proud as I first thought!?
Still unsure but realising I perhaps didn't have an answer, Doug
explained to me how that if I had perhaps said something, he, or Marilene, or
anyone else for that matter, could have introduced me to other people and in turn open doors
that might otherwise remain closed.
Anyway, that was that, the conversation moved on and nothing
more was said.
But whilst nothing more was said between us, this was far
from the end of the story. For Doug had not realised, but this conversation would
stick with me and with it set off a chain reaction that will forever I think
mark an important turning point in my life.
Unknowingly Doug had set off a chain reaction that will forever mark an important turning point
I just couldn't work it out. Why wouldn't I say anything?
Well the honest answer is I didn't know. All I really knew
was that it made me unhappy I had chosen not to say anything and I guess by
proxy decided from that point forward to be much more open and to make a real
effort with being honest with the people I meet.
Now don’t get excited, I'm not going to become this rainbow
spouting, arm flailing, drama queen lady boy, but my actions on Vancouver
Island I realised were not too dissimilar from being a total closet case - and frankly that is no better.
I'm not going to become this rainbow spouting, arm flailing, drama queen lady boy
So with me now consciously thinking about being open with
people, I have in fact discovered just how closed I have really been. For with each of
my hosts in recent weeks I have openly stated I am gay much sooner than
if I had otherwise not spoken with Doug. Don’t get me wrong, I'm not making some grand announcement upon stepping over the threshold, but I am not avoiding every opportunity to
say so either.
And I won’t lie… it has been difficult. Where before I have
always waited to be asked and passed over opportunities to say something, this
has been a very different approach. But just like before, I have not once had
any bad vibes and it has come to feel good to know I am not only being honest
with other people but I am finally maybe being honest with myself.
PART 4: Juan & Aaron
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| Juan |
Just as I have done in many of the towns and cities I have
gone through, I logged on to Grindr, in the hope of finding new friends to
either get a coffee with or share a beer. For those of you who don’t know what
Grindr is it is an app for your smartphone that I guess is a gay social
network. With a simple design, it shows you all the guys who are currently
logged on and are then listed in order of how far away they are from you.
Now this app is pretty popular and in most cities there are
usually at least 100 other guys within just a couple of kilometres but in San
Francisco it was, to say the least, more crowded.
Anyway, so after a couple of hours sending messages, I went
to meet Juan who working literally around the corner met me after work for
coffee. Juan was nice. Very approachable, funny and just a little cute, we got
on well and after finishing our coffee he invited me out for the night to go
drinking somewhere outside of San Francisco.
Initially I found myself a little unsure but I figured it was best to
just go with the flow - and what a night. We met up with a few of his friends, we
talked for hours, hit a few bars and generally had a good time.
Then on my second night I met up with Aaron, who visiting
from Portland, was just as open and friendly as Juan the night before. Best of
all though, Aaron knew San Francisco pretty well and was keen to show me around
the gay district, the Castro, where to my surprise things were not as I had
anticipated.
People here seemed different. Unlike back home for example
where most gay men seem to be quite dramatic, the men and women here seemed far
more relaxed. I figured that being gay had become so normal that perhaps the
men and women here no longer needed to prove anything. Perhaps it seems that whilst
I have been quite reclusive about my sexuality as a way to distance myself from
it, others go the opposite direction and conform to the stereotypical gay man that you can increasingly find appearing in sitcoms and soap operas.
My point here is that I actually enjoyed myself and given my past experiences back home, it was refreshing to enjoy being in the company of other gay men. In fact, I'll go one step further and say I really enjoyed myself... Juan and Aaron were not only really decent human beings but they perhaps enabled me to for the first time to experience ‘the scene’ without that sensational need to just want to kill myself (now whose being dramatic?)
So that was San Francisco and I loved it. In fact, I loved
it so much so that it joins Montreal and Victoria on my A-List of places I’d
rather now live than return back home to the UK.
San Francisco joins my A-List of cities that I would rather live in than return back to the UK
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| This was the view from Barney's home - and I think you'll agree it was pretty spectacular |
Alas though, it was onwards and upwards and after another night on the Greyhound I woke up this time in Los Angeles. LA though was not my final destination and my last stop in America and indeed Stage 1 was Santa Monica, perhaps 45 minutes or so West of downtown LA.
So CouchSurfing for the final time here in the States, my host
this time was Barney, who in his early sixties invited me to come stay with him
a couple of weeks ago. With incredible rooftop views across to the ocean,
Barney lived in a pretty swanky neighbourhood and a house to boot.
Like the home he lived in, Barney himself was great. He
welcomed me in to his home, he introduced me to his friends and quite unexpectedly
it turned out too that he was also gay.
Whilst we didn't spend a great deal of time together we did
have a little time to talk during which time Barney told me of how when he was
younger he had come to adopt a child and revealing this without knowing my current
thoughts on the matter, he unknowingly provided a real inspiration.
Beyond my time with Barney I also came to meet another guy
in Santa Monica, who after everything that had happened in the last month or
so, felt like the icing on my developmental cake.
The icing on my developmental cake
So I had arrived in to Santa Monica a little after 10am and
with 8hrs to burn before meeting with Barney I found myself more tired than
ever and in Starbucks drinking what I think was perhaps two double espressos and
a large Americano. The details here I guess are irrelevant but as I sat there
trying to wake up I felt truly awful - I had spent the night on the bus and not
only did I look like it, I smelled like it too.
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| Venice Beach, California (Click to enlarge) |
PART 6: Simon
So
I am in line waiting to order coffee and one of the baristas looks up and
smiles. He was obviously gay, which I guess again is irrelevant, but after
taking a second or two he looks up again and begins to blush. Now as I said, I’m
looking at this moment pretty trampy and so realise his blushing is not derived
from anything sexual.
Anyway,
a minute or so of being in line and he asks what I would like to drink and
after taking my money he suddenly gets all nervous.
“I
loved your films” he says admiringly.
I
chuckled and smiled, for now it was clear who he thought I was. In fact,
something very similar had happened in San Francisco when I was out with Juan a
couple of nights ago.
“I
hope you don’t mind me asking” he said, “but can I get your autograph?”
I
did wonder if I should go along with it but figured it would most likely only
end badly.
“ I'm afraid I'm not who you think I am” I said.
Stood there he looked unimpressed
for I don’t think he believed me.
“You’re not the first to ask, but trust me, I’m
not Simon Pegg.”
I
walked off with my coffee smiling but with now several other members of staff
now watching, I felt they really believed I was him. Well either way I'm not complaining… a few minutes
later, this besotted guy brings me over a free breakfast and at this
point I figured if it’s going to get me free food, he can think I am whoever he
likes.
PART 7: Tom
So sitting in the back of Starbucks I smell as bad as I look
and logging on to Grindr in the hope of passing the time, I did so without intention. In fact, all I really wanted at that point was a hot shower and an
opportunity to change out of my clothes.
Two coffees later and I find myself talking with Tom, a
guy in his late thirties who lived just a short hop away on the bus. Claiming
no strings attached, Tom was kind enough to offer me to head over and use his
shower, saying too he had the opportunity that afternoon to hang out for a
while.
So an hour later and I reach Tom’s home, which to say the
least blew me away. Whilst he did explain to me what he did for work, I'll be honest, I didn't really understand but whatever he did, it was clearly paying off very well for him.
Most striking though was that he was just another really nice guy and during
my time in Santa Monica we would come to spend a great deal of time
together, becoming in the process good friends.
Spoilt rotten, I was given a full tour of LA, including
Hollywood, Beverly Hills, and Hollywood Boulevard, shown various walks around
Santa Monica, Venice and their beautiful beaches, and on a couple nights we
went out for drinks and shared in some pretty tasty food. I tell you, whilst
Grindr can have its downside, it was for me here in California churning out
some real pros.
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| The sun sets on my final night in America, marking the end of my first stage |
PART 8: Ben, The Homo
Then on the final night of Stage 1 and my last night in
America, I was as I had expected been in a rather reflective mood. Thinking back to all
the incredible experiences I have had and how life back home will never be the
same, I felt both so incredibly happy and grateful. For in the last seven months, this
journey has truly surpassed every one of my wildest expectations and as just as I said a few months ago - if I died tomorrow, I would do so a very happy man.
Most incredibly though is how in just seven months I already feel so different to the man I was when I left the UK. And whilst there are many small changes I have come to note, there is one change for sure that will I think eventually come to define this stage.
For just eight months ago, I was in a very different place and if I was given the choice, I would have changed what is one of the most defining parts of who I am. And whilst this journey is still far from over I leave tomorrow for Mexico a proud man. For after an uphill struggle for nearly 15 years I can finally say with heartfelt honesty that I am not just gay and I am not just proud, but if given the same choice today I wouldn't change it for the World.
Enjoy the read...? Then please, Like on Facebook, Follow on Twitter and go tell your friends.
Have something to say? Please leave your comments just below :)
For just eight months ago, I was in a very different place and if I was given the choice, I would have changed what is one of the most defining parts of who I am. And whilst this journey is still far from over I leave tomorrow for Mexico a proud man. For after an uphill struggle for nearly 15 years I can finally say with heartfelt honesty that I am not just gay and I am not just proud, but if given the same choice today I wouldn't change it for the World.
Enjoy the read...? Then please, Like on Facebook, Follow on Twitter and go tell your friends.
Have something to say? Please leave your comments just below :)